Do you ever feel stuck? Like you know there’s some place you ought to be, but you just can’t get there?
A job you don’t love but can’t make yourself leave. A dream that you just can’t reach. Resenting that you’re doing what you’re “supposed to” be doing rather than what you want to do. Or maybe you just have this feeling that “this” isn’t all there is. Maybe like me, you have NO idea what else is out there for you, just this little bit of faith that there’s something.
I recently decided to stop trying to figure out my road ahead to get over that stuck feeling. There are so many If/thens with our life in the Air Force. Often the life plans I dream up become disappointments because of deployments, moves (or lack thereof). This is really difficult for someone whose profession is planning, by the way.
Little by little I’ve started to let go of a desire to anticipate possible paths that could lead from the things I do. Rather than calculating a future, I’ve started to just jump into things that call to me. Not many things, and not big things (yet), because it’s important for me to share much of my days with the kiddo. But the ones I’ve picked feel good.
That creative writing class, even though I never fancied myself a writer.
This blog – I’ve finally let go of the nagging feeling I’ve had that it should have a purpose. Being an outlet for my voice is good enough, and something clearer just might come with time.
My camera; suddenly something clicked and I get it and I want to practice, practice, practice.
Right now, I’m participating in Susannah Conway’s Exploring the Senses e-course. Enrollment was free with the purchase of her book This I Know: Notes on Unraveling the Heart, and after following her blog for a few years, this was an offer I couldn’t refuse. And this is a game-changer.
I’m the kind of person whose heart aches when I see or read something stunningly beautiful. Then I think, “Oh! If I only I could be a person like that, who can see and share these things in a way that moves someone.” Sometimes I wonder if I ever had to relocate to Portland, would those cool arty people even like me?
The thing is, I shouldn’t care.
What I should have been thinking is that I’m going to go out and find those things myself. That I’m going to learn the skills I need to share them in the way I want to share. After all, I’m doing this for me. Maybe for my little guy. I don’t have to be doing it for a business, or a personal “brand” (though it’s inevitable that an honest one will emerge). How can I fail at it?
It’s OK for it all to just BE.
So I’ve been frolicking about with my camera, snapping colors (easy) and challenging myself to find shapes and my initials high and low and in ways I’d never otherwise see (not easy). I’ve discovered a beautiful carving in the woods, friendship, new opportunities for creative exploration. It’s invigorating.
I’ve also started meandering through the blogs of my classmates. These are the people out there seeing and sharing beauty. They’re inspiring. And encouraging. And, wouldn’t you know, I’m feeling it. It’s why parents want their kids to hang around good kids – you start to see the world and act like those you surround yourself with. I’ll take radiance and positivity any day!
There’s a long way to go to infuse all of my days with this feeling of wonder I’m after. Yesterday was filled with it. Today was not. Though I suppose recognizing that it’s something I want to strive for is an important first step. What next, I wonder?